The Value of Showing Up
By Mara Hodler
I’ve been thinking a lot about friendship lately. Friends are special. They are different from family in that you choose your friends. On your Facebook account, you can choose to accept a friend request or decline it, and it’s somewhat the same way in real life. The fact that friendship is a choice is one of the reasons it’s so special. You know your friends chose you and you chose them.
The right friends are a huge asset in life. A popular pastor and author from the late 19th century, Charles Spurgeon, once said, “Friendship is one of the sweetest joys in life. Many might have fallen beneath the bitterness of their trial had they not found a friend.”
When you want to be the kind of friend that helps someone not “fall beneath the bitterness of their trial,” you might think you need to do something amazing or have something great to say or to give them. But what I’ve found in friendship is that the simple act of showing up, of being present at a time when your friendship is most needed, is what really counts. It’s not the expensive gifts, amazing words of wisdom, or out-of-this-world fun ideas or events that make you the most valuable. While that can be pretty awesome, most importantly, if someone can count on your presence in their life—then they have a true friend.
I read a story about a man named Sam Rayburn. This man had an important job; he was the Speaker of the US House of Representatives for 17 years—the longest tenure in US history. One night the teenage daughter of a close friend of Mr. Rayburn passed away suddenly and unexpectedly. First thing the next morning, the father of this girl heard a knock at the door. There stood Sam Rayburn. “I wanted to come and see what I could do to help,” he said.
The father, reeling with shock and grief, replied, “We have already made all the arrangements. There really isn’t anything for you to do.”
Mr. Rayburn put a hand on his friend’s shoulder and kindly asked, “Have you had your morning coffee yet?” His friend then explained that they had not yet eaten anything, so Mr. Rayburn said that the least he could do was fix a breakfast for his friend’s family.
As he worked away in the kitchen, his friend asked, “Weren’t you supposed to have breakfast at the White House this morning?”
“Yes, I was,” said Mr. Rayburn, “but I called the president and told him that a friend needed me, so I couldn’t make it.”
When I was reflecting on what it means to “show up” as a friend, I was reminded of when I was 16. There was a guy in my class, I’ll call him Marcus. He was the quiet type; he never said much, and I never really knew what to say to him either. We worked on a few school projects together, but never really talked about anything other than that.
Halfway through the school year, something happened in Marcus’ life. I don’t remember what, just that he was obviously bothered by something. I knew he needed a friend, but I really didn’t know how to be that friend to him. I muscled up my courage and went over to his house after school one day and found him tinkering around in the garage. I said hi to him, and then proceeded just to sit and watch him fiddle around with an old clock for about an hour. I have to admit, it felt a little awkward just sitting there. I had no idea if I was being helpful.
After that visit, we had a short break from school, during which time I didn’t see Marcus. When I saw him next, he took me by surprise. He came right up to me and started talking. We talked for a very long time, and we’ve been friends from that day onward. That awkward act of showing up was enough to make him trust me. I had no idea that it would be a pivotal act in our friendship, but I am so glad I showed up that day.
There are two Bible verses on friendship that I especially love. Both of them are from Proverbs: “A friend loves at all times” (Proverbs 17:17). “There is a friend that sticks closer than a brother” (Proverbs 18:24).
I think the first verse, in its few words, suggests that friendships can go through all sorts of things together: times when you don’t agree, times when you are upset with each other, times of stress, grief, or struggle that cause one or the other to pull back for a time. Life can also get hectic and busy. You experience success and you experience failure. Through all that, you know your friend loves you. You know your friend values you, considers you important, believes in you, and supports you.
The second verse says that a good friend shows up. You can’t get rid of a good friend just because you are having a bad day or week or even year. “Showing up” could mean posting something on your friend’s Facebook, calling them, sending a text, or some other avenue of connecting even without being physically present. It can also mean praying for your friend.
Albert Schweitzer said: “In everyone’s life, at some time, our inner fire goes out. It is then burst into flames by an encounter with another human being. We should all be thankful for those people who rekindle the inner spirit. In the course of life, we get to be on both the giving and the receiving end of things. Sometimes you are the one who rekindles the hope and joy in someone, and other times you are the one who needs your spirit restored.”
When you really need a friend and someone shows up on your doorstep (or Facebook page), oh, what a happy day it is! Sam Rayburn showing up at the home of his grieving friend was probably the first ray of light that that family had experienced since losing their daughter. It might have been just enough to keep them holding on when they felt like giving up. I like to think it was.
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My best friend is the one who brings out the best in me.—Henry Ford
Remember that life’s most valuable antiques are dear old friends.—H. Jackson Brown Jr.
Friendship improves happiness and abates misery, by the doubling of our joy, and the dividing of our grief.—Marcus Tullius Cicero
I would rather walk with a friend in the dark than walk alone in the light.—Helen Keller
I always say, Lorelei Lee got it wrong in Gentlemen Prefer Blondes. It’s not that diamonds are a girl’s best friend, but it’s your best friends who are your diamonds. It’s your best friends who are supremely resilient, made under pressure, and of astonishing value.—Gina Barreca
Friends are the threads that weave a beautiful tapestry of memories.—Author unknown
A true friend knows your weaknesses but shows you your strengths; feels your fears but fortifies your faith; sees your anxieties but frees your spirit; recognizes your disabilities but emphasizes your possibilities.—William Arthur Ward
A faithful friend loves to the end.—Author unknown
Adapted from a Just1Thing podcast, a Christian character-building resource for young people.
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